Another thesis exchange

Kirsten Myers writes:

Mr. Duncan,
Here is what I have thus far,it is my first two paragraphs. I was struggling to figure out a hook, so if you have any ideas that would be great.
Also, I feel like I know what I want to say, but I am not sure my thesis nails it on the spot. Anyways just give them a read through, and it would be splendid
if you could respond with any feed back. Also, I highlighted my would-be thesis.
Thanks, Kirsten

In Heart of Darkness, Joesph Conrad writes of the imperialism in19th century Europe, and its utter raping of the continent of Africa, specifically the Congo. His descriptions terrorize, disgust and amaze the reader; painting the Congo as an impressionist would, each little dot combining to give a bigger picture, indefinite and sharp at once. Conrad's masterpiece creates a metaphor for the savagery of "civilized" European society, blending the line between imperialist and victim through the character Kurtz. A insane and conversely brilliant man, Kurtz, is the pivotal character of the novella, whom Conrad utilizes to convey his message about civilization. Within Conrad's metaphor the reader recognizes the influence of colonization in modern society, The eyes of the narrator, Marlow, the reader is given the unforgettable image of the Congo, reveling in the destruction of imperialism, amid all of it's wilderness.
When given his mission in to the heart of Africa, Marlow, captaining a steamboat on the Congo, is told to find Kurtz. What Marlow hears of Kurtz captivates and intrigues him. Kurtz a man who has"no restraint, no restraint," is incredibly different from the men Marlow firsts encounters in the Congo; men with titles like "brickmaker", "manager", "chief", men who have "nothing inside bet a little loose dirt, maybe". These men are enthralled by the ivory, the money to be made in Africa, men who "grabbed what they could, for the sake of what was to be got". These men want to pilage what they can from the Congo, with no ownership to the terror; wanting the evil to be away from themselves, impersonal. But Kurtz, he is different. Everything Kurtz encounters is his, "my intended, my ivory, my station, my river", his evils completely personal. After all, this is the man who exclaimed "Exterminate the Brutes!" in his own writing. In present society, men are more often in the imperialists with the titles, interested in money, not completely involved, and distant to the true consequences, like the bankers on Wall Street

.It's rough, and I promise I plan to work on it!

Dear Kirsten,

Your opening is interesting and adventurous, if rough. I can't really find a thesis in it, though. I'm looking in particular at the way you end each of your paragraphs:

• 1. Conrad's masterpiece creates a metaphor for the savagery of "civilized" European society, blending the line between imperialist and victim through the character Kurtz. A insane and conversely brilliant man, Kurtz, is the pivotal character of the novella, whom Conrad utilizes to convey his message about civilization. Within Conrad's metaphor the reader recognizes the influence of colonization in modern society, The eyes of the narrator, Marlow, the reader is given the unforgettable image of the Congo, reveling in the destruction of imperialism, amid all of its wilderness.
• 2. In present society, men are more often in the imperialists with the titles, interested in money, not completely involved, and distant to the true consequences, like the bankers on Wall Street.

Your thesis is concerned with the imperialism of (sophisticated) European civilization, that much is clear. At some point (in a footnote or a body paragraph), you're going to have to define that term for the purposes of your essay. Up front, you should spell out what Conrad's message about civilization is, because that's going to provide the foundation of your thesis.

Side notes: whatever the power of the Congo wilderness, it didn't destroy imperialism. In Conrad's book, it's bigger than the imperialists, including Kurtz, but the Manager and his sort survive and have their way. The history of the Congo up to this minute is testimony to the harm they did. Also I'm not sure of your characterization of Kurtz as "insane and conversely brilliant." That might need adjusting.

Back to your thesis: I think you wish to establish a link between the "flabby devils" and the manipulators of Wall Street whose greed led to the financial collapse of 2008-2009. That's a legitimate connection that in some way your thesis must anticipate if you want to make it stick. It seems to me that I saw a sentence yesterday that I don't see in these two paragraphs, a sentence that came close to expressing what you want to express. Am I wrong?

Marlow says that all Europe contributed to the making of Kurtz. You suggest he's at once victim and perpetrator. If he's Conrad's metaphor for the failure of civilization (I'm taking a liberty with that), the key lies in his 17 page report and the scrawled note you allude to. Kurtz's fall is a tremendous one, from the height of his imperialist boast to the impenetrable depth of the abyss that Marlow peeks into. And he embodies the concept of the sword accompanied by the sacred flame. His failure is the failure of the civilized world to redeem its territorial lust with humanity.

Do these mental ramblings point toward the thesis you wish to express?

JD